70 minute meditation journal

07 January 2018 11:15 PM
Evening sit. Sort of. In the bath. 54 bows. A continuation from yesterday. 
I am finding this difficult to write about. Six years ago I chose to end a pregnancy because of a genetic disorder. I was torn apart making this decision, before, during and after. I mourned her, I gave birth to her, I held her and buried her. I did not realise how much I hated myself for making this choice. I found myself facing this hatred tonight. It was so strong that I could not find any way to be kind to myself, except the breathing exercise with the colours.... Lots of anger, directed at myself. The only thing I could manage was not to totally succomb to it.


Really tough stuff to sit and live with Rosie. Hoping that you can find a way to live with and let go of your self-hatred. We can tell you it's not needed or deserved but in the end you need to feel that yourself. You are the only one that can give yourself the peace of mind you need over this. Maybe that will take time.  For me strange though it might sound, it was learning to accept the self-hatred that helped it to shift. Hoping you approach it more wisely, gently and sensibly than I did though.
Kokai (Sarah)
2 months ago
Thank you Sarah! 
2 months ago