90 minute meditation journal

06 December 2017 8:16 PM
Yesterday morning something was stuck in my chest. I curled up on the floor and cried about 6 or so times in between doing my daily tasks.

In the evening it was the first zazen of the retreat. I had sat down by 6.40 and was already feeling terrified before the han started. I knew all ny efforts of self soothing at this point were totally hopeless. The only thing I could think of doing was going there completely. I turned into this feeling in my heart and it was the strangest feeling, as if I had been sucked inside my heart and I was two people, me sitting in the zendo, and me in the bathroom at Edge Lane wedged between the bath and the door, barricading it with ny body. I told her: "it' s okay, I am with you this time, you are not alone. You are going to be all right."
I sat next to her on the bathroom floor and held her hand and at the ssme time I was still sitting in the zendo. But only barely. Then the han started and the sound was also my ex was trying to kick in the door. I carried on holding her hand and telling her it was okay. The han sounded softer than usual and then it tailed off. We were still in the bathroom for a bit and I remembered other more mundane things.
Then I was back in the zendo,  like I had been sucked back in, and she was there too, sitting with me. I had  this weird headache I always get after I have been back, it cuts through my head in half. I asked her if it was very strange being here. I could see everything wiith different eyes. She was with me for the kinhin. We looked at the altar and the candle light. In a way it felt much better than the other wednesdays when I had tried and tried to fight it. But also incredibly draining.
Then I sat again and everything felt different. I tried letting go with the out breath and being ooen to whatever came up and found I was still in the bathroom with my old self, and it was after all the kicking at the door and I was sat there wondering what next. I don't remember anything. Fuzzy headache and feeling of being overwhelmed took over and was really relieved when the bell went. Felt a bit better after the service but remained with this split head feeling, took a while  to wear off.  
Later I realised that I probably should have got up and walked out at the second sit, which I found diffiicult to do because of sitting with everyone else but will work on being able to do that.


You need to take care of yourself. At the moment that needs to come first. In time it might feel possible to find the calm and space in the zendo but at the moment if you need to leave just trust your judgement and do so. It might be an idea to discuss with the teachers in advance so that people know that it is part of you taking care and don't worry too much on your behalf.
Kokai (Sarah)
10 months ago
I will. Sensei did tell me to quit at any time if things get too much but I did not manage to.  Think I will next time though.
10 months ago