30 minute meditation journal

03 December 2017 7:05 AM
Another episode of dealing with past emotional difficulties that I didn't face at the time. Today it was two times when I was very stressed and distressed but didn't even really admit it even to myself, let alone to anyone else. Memories of these popped up during the night and were there to be sat with in the morning.

The first time I woke during the night was with a memory of the first time we needed to bid for our contract for our work. I took on all the responsibility of setting up our community company and all the development and bid writing working almost through the night to get it done on time, knowing that a lot hinged on it. By the end I was shattered.

The second time I woke I was in a state of panic. In a dream I'd failed in our tender application and gone back to working as a teacher starting a new job that morning. I didn't even know what age Id be teaching only that it was in a difficult part of the city (that was my daily reality during a spell as a supply teacher). My heart was pounding and it only slowed down once I remembered that I have a job and am never likely to to be a classroom teacher again. My short spell as a student teacher / new teacher started about 12 years ago. . I love spending time with young children, it makes my heart sing, but I was too shy / withdrawn to play the role of class entertainer which primary school teachers really need to do if they are to keep the attention of 30 active youngsters. During the teaching course the long hours (about 40 pages of planning needed each night to satisfy course requirements plus trying to keep a house going and spend time with my own children left no relaxation time, little time for sleep and meant I only just kept going with the aid of 99% strong chocolate. Towards the end, during a very difficult teaching practice placement which it looked like I might fail for a while I was shattered. I self-medicated with healthfood shop depression remedies and woke each morning wishing I hadn't. Yet I never told anyone. Never went to my GP, certainly didn't tell my husband who hadn't wanted me to leave my previous job to retrain as a teacher anyway and said that emotions for irrational people. I bottled it all up.

Looking back now, knowing why I find it so difficult to see children in distress, I can see why it was the wrong career choice for me. I loved the kids and spent my lunchtimes and breaktimes giving extra attention to the kids who needed it but I was no good at 'discipline'. I had experienced teachers telling me that if I couldn't get cross with the kids I needed to learn how to pretend to be cross. It only struck me when sitting tonight that I physically COULDN'T get cross with them because I can't bear (still can't) to hear adults speaking angrily to kids. I cope with it easier now than I used to but then it used to set my nerves on edge. Acting that way myself was impossible. I'm sure there must have been times when I felt angry to my own kids but I really can't remember ever letting that show. I think I turned all my anger inwards as well as all the sadness and loneliness.

All the difficult parts of this came up during the night, deliberately turning towards the pain. By the time I got up to sit it was just a case of letting it pass through me, showing the then me some of the compasssion I withheld at the time.