30 minute meditation journal

02 December 2017 1:06 PM
Today's morning sit ended up being a lunchtime sit instead! A disrupted night's sleep due both to my daughter being out / coming in and to old emotions surfacing physically during the night. Long periods awake in sort of informal meditation. This time I was aware of the physical sensations of the emotions and of how they felt at the time and also noticing the urges to block them, divert them or seek comfort from them, not so much as something I wanted to do now but as old strategies used for many years. This included how I was with other people. How I kept myself busy. How I turned to things (food, possessions) for comfort and distraction. Feeling that I needed all this to make myself substantial, to fill a hole, to prove to myself that I existed. Sometimes to break through my numbness and make myself feel something.

This time it was instead about completely feeling them, turning towards them, owning them, embracing them, being them. Not pleasant but it was what I needed to do on and off until midday when I got up to sit.

On sitting it all shifted and I could spot the clear difference in how I respond to situations and emotions now. Lots of clearing in my head. Peace and clarity. Love and appreciation. I think there will be more installments to come of allowing the old emotions to work through but that is all fine. :)