Right now, it's like this.. 7 day retreat

24 May 2013 12:00 AM
1
Just back from 7 days at Gaia House; Right now, it's like this... with Martin Aylward

Had a really positive experience! Besides one rough morning, there was a lot of clarity and ease.

Early days, beat myself trying to uphold certain reifications of current understanding.

This awareness of 'should's was quite a strong theme: experience should be boundless, should all be moving, should be an equal balanced plane of awareness, should be a field of experience, should be seen as composed as sensations, should not be bent or distorted by a sense of duality, should be just what is seen, just what is felt! The tyranny of shoulds! Let em go. Lots of this comes from idealisation of sensation-apperception-360 Actual Freedom/Nikolai stuff.

Noticed that my acceptance of energetic pressure had turned to disinterest/resistance, and that I thought the presence of pressure was a sign something was being misperceived, and hence to 'withdraw' and re-focus; aversion!

New levels of relaxation and ease in practice - right now, it's like this. Whatever is happening on the cushion, that is the immediate reality of experience. Stop fighting experience when it doesn't meet your expectations. So much easier, can't go wrong! Ignorance is also part of just this. Just be here for whatever is next; There is space for it all. Can't believe how much I was still struggling with experience, to 'get to' some idea of stillness/truth.

You don't have to believe any thought.

Strong insight regarding self-forgiveness. Coupled with motivation, awakening is unstoppable. Our capacity for self-forgiveness is actually limitless!! Big insight for me, really getting into the heart side of practice. Compassion is limitless.

Skip trauma insight in throat after being undefended, undemanding and undistracted, and really feeling into the tension.

Feeling intimately into the throat also lead to feeling some tension around the top of the heart centre. A dull ache. Exciting!
Also noticed the throat locking up (& voice trapped/shaky) when talking in group interview - got to get it right, to let them know that I know! Feel out the hara, speak from there.

Seeing something strange regarding forehead pressure - like double vision, 'seeing' the rest of the body through the mind's eye rather than the direct experience of it? Still gently exploring this.

Having positive experience whilst resting as the still point - simple, direct, grounding. Also bringing awareness to the belly/hara when talking, going about the day. Feeling front of the body more intimately: belly, solar plexus, throat, ajna as one chain.

Also: underneath this self-perception of myself as Mr Cool is an incessant worrier, the control freak. Know him.
Always wanting things to be different, wanting others to be different.

Also being more honest about the anger and resentment that flies up and jams at the throat. Know this. Feel it. Don't get caught up. There's plenty of space.

Main fantasies: getting recognition, helping and rescuing others, being admired.