Mr. Angry Smiled

05 April 2017 9:20 PM
2
5
I call that bitter, frustrated, and angry part of me Mr. Angry. Today I tried to practice tonglen and loving kindness toward him, but I was too sleepy. So I got out of the meditation posture, but I was still thinking about that bitter, angry, frustrated part of my heart, and this may seem crazy, but I told that part "Mr. Angry, you are pretty frustrated, why don't you practice meditation with me?". And then I tried to breath through my heart and regions of tension in my head and just after a few breaths I felt them much much more relaxed!

Then I tried to meditate, as my heart, I repeated what I learned from Kristin Neff in self compassion lectures: "This is a moment of suffering. Suffering is a part of life. May I be kind with myself." I couldn't believe it,  but after a few times I felt an intense pleasant coolness from the left part of my heart started to flow in the left part of my body, it eventually engaged the middle of my spine. I had sensations of streams of pleasant coolness flowing down my torso. 

It all seems odd to me. But it happened. I am very grateful. :) 

Comments

It's funny reading your sit logs - they could have been mine from a couple of years ago! So much there that is very familiar.

I found a lot of ease during difficult spells from tonglen. I actually found it worked better for me than metta did - perhaps because there was no need to wish well for myself at a time when I'd not fully dealt with my self-loathing. I also found a practice called demon feeding to be helpful in bizarre and unexpected ways.

For the last 2 1/2 years or so I've only practiced zazen, either shikantaza (just sitting / open awareness) or koan practice, but the rather eclectic mix of practices I worked with in the period before that was more helpful than I think I realised at the time.


Bluemoon
Kokai (Sarah)
3 months ago
I read some of you old logs and really liked them! I also like Zen quite a lot, I really like the idea of "just sitting", but for now I want to focus on mindfulness and loving kindness/compassion. 
Thanks a lot for your kindness and encouragement. :) 
niroxki
niroxki
3 months ago
Sometimes I think that it doesn't matter what we practice, just that we do. I think that when we have a lot to unravel and are really willing for that to happen, it will find a way. All we are doing is giving it space.
Bluemoon
Kokai (Sarah)
3 months ago
Actually I marked my logs where I'd been working with demon feeding as private because it felt so intensely personal at the time and also I thought it might make little sense to anyone else. I might go back and see where my self loathing surfaced and see if there might be anything of interest there. Sometimes just knowing that the same things arise for others can help. 
Bluemoon
Kokai (Sarah)
3 months ago
Please put your privacy above everything, these things are quite personal, and I also don't write about the nature of my tensions in detail for clear reasons. As you said it is good to know that the same things arise for others too, and thanks to your comments I already just know! And I know I there is someone to ask my questions. Thanks :)
niroxki
niroxki
3 months ago