15 minute meditation journal

13 September 2016 10:37 AM
Anapanasati. Trying to let go of thoughts before starting to notice the breath. A feeling I've previously had might be the feeling of letting go; I thought it should be achieved after concentrating in the breath for a while but now I read it might be the other way around.


I don't know if any of this will be helpful but I rarely focus deliberately on the breath nowadays. It is though something to come back to whenever you need it and can be quite stabilising. All sorts of 'stuff' can arise and just sitting with that can be tough. The breath can be a really good anchor in those sorts of sits. That probably isn't something that you would have been able to do when you first started practice. A good grounding in breathing meditation is really helpful I think whatever form your practice takes in future.

I just sit with whatever comes up (when just sitting anyway, koan practice which is new to me is a bit different) but I do have the deliberate intention of fully being with whatever comes up be it emotions or thoughts. Anything I don't resist seems to pass whereas anything I do resist, push away or reject lingers and becomes disproportionately important.

There is obviously a real difference between letting going of thoughts and pushing them away. Pushing them away is part of the ego's wish to control things, to try to make life conform to how we think it should be, how we think we should be eg: "I don't want to have this thought", "I'm not the sort of person who should have think like this". Meditation can actually feed into this with another layer of judgement eg "my head shouldn't be full of thoughts", "if I was a good meditator/ good buddhist/good person I wouldn't have thoughts like this".

Letting them go to me feels more like seeing them as just part of the scenery and not judging yourself for them being there but not needing to interact with them (as Shunryu Suzuki said "Leave your front door and your back door open. Allow your thoughts to come and go. Just don't serve them tea").  

Sometimes it feels almost like thoughts are letting go of me rather than the other way around! 

Kokai (Sarah)
about 2 years ago